When there is no “getting better”

May 5, 2016 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 1 Comment

When there is no “getting better”, your definition of “better” changes.

Recently I read another blog titled “When Your Medically Complex Child Is Never Really ‘Out of the Woods'”, by Brandis Goodman. It sparked a few good conversations with family and really got me thinking about how I can express how the term “better” has changed for me.

Normally when people ask me if Lyra is “better” they are thinking in terms of normal illness. You know, like you get “better” from a cold. In that sense, Lyra will never get better. We can’t add the generic code that is missing, or take away the extra code that she has. We can’t change how her brain formed. We can try to help her other internal systems function more normally, but she will never be fully free from complications. She will never be “better.”

However, Lyra will have better hours, days, weeks, months, and (hopefully) years. When you care for a medically complex child, that really is all you can focus on. When I mentally check in on how she is doing, my thoughts sound like this:

“She has a better night, but a rough morning.” “Today was better than yesterday.” “Her morning was better.” “The last three days have been better.”

Now, does this mean that you shouldn’t ask me if Lyra is “better”? Absolutely not! Never be afraid to ask me about my child. Just recognize that we may be using different definitions of “better.” “Better” for Lyra doesn’t mean that she won’t stumble a few times, or end up in the hospital again, or need another surgery. “Better” doesn’t mean that she is “fixed” or cured. Better is all relative for her and changed day by day, hour by hour.

And really, there is no cure for cute.

The Limits of Medicine

March 19, 2016March 19, 2016 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

One of the most common complaints I hear is, “it’s seems like the doctors aren’t even trying to find out __________”. Believe me, I understand where they are coming from. However, I also recognize that there are limits to medicine and sometimes it is more art than science. Maybe I have a different perspective because I grew up around medical professionals. I have also grown up around teachers, and they will always tell you that works for one child does not always work for another. Sometimes doctors don’t know and there is no test that can find the answer.

Now, I also understand how frustrating it is. Even knowing that doctors do not always have the answer, sometimes it really gets to me as well. This is how appointments go with Lyra:

Genetics: “We have no idea what the future will hold for her. She is an interesting case. She will have disabilities, but we have no idea what those will look like.”
Cardiology: “Well, her heart isn’t normal, but it seems to be functioning okay. We are just going to watch it and see.” Me: “What does that mean in the long term/ bigger picture?” Cardiology: “We have no idea.”
Urology: “Her urethra is dilated, but she isn’t refluxing into the kidneys.” Me: “So what does that mean?” Urology: “We don’t know, but we will just have to monitor it.”
Ophthalmology: “Her optic nerves are enlarged.” Me: “What does that indicate/mean?” Ophthalmology: “We have no idea.”
GI: “We have no idea why she doesn’t tolerate her feeds. It makes no logical sense.” (BTW, I actually really like her GI doctor because he is bound and determined to find a solution, even if it isn’t logical.)
Neurology: “Well her brain isn’t normal and we don’t know why.”
ENT: “I feel like we must all be stupid. Like we are missing something. It just doesn’t make sense.” (These were his actual words)

There are a few more, but you get the idea. To be honest, sometimes I leave these appointments and cry. I try not to do it in front of Lyra. Even though she is a baby, she doesn’t need to see how sad this makes me. I want to be able to fix SOMETHING, but I can’t. I want to know what to prepare myself for, but there are no answers. I want to know why one day she eats a few oz by mouth, and the next day she pukes if I have spoon in my hand.

Trust me, the doctors aren’t being lazy. They talk to each other and to other members of their departments. I think almost everyone in GI at the hospital knows Lyra’s case at this point. I see the look on their faces that says, “how can I tell this parent that I have no answers for her?” I always tell them it’s okay that they don’t have answers. No one does. But it still breaks my heart a little bit.

Right now we are back in the hospital, and we have been for a few days. Once again, Lyra isn’t tolerating her feeds. We even put in a new tube called a GJ (a link with an explanation is below). We feed directly into her intestines, and yet she still throws up. She throws up enough stomach bile that she actually manages to become dehydrated. She is doing okay, but we can’t quite get her feeds up to the point where she is fully hydrated or getting enough calories. We have no idea how long we will be here. No one has answers, but everyone is trying. The GI nurses who see her outpatient even came by to say hi and check on her.

I guess my point is, it’s not easy, and people need to remember that medicine doesn’t have an answer for everything. Sometimes we just have to keep trying and hope that eventually something works. Or, keep watching and hope that everything works itself out.

CHOP – Low Profile GJ Tube

Wagon ride down to the cafeteria for lunch with Mommy and Daddy

Standing on her own two feet

December 30, 2015 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It’s official, Lyra can stand on her own (with some support from an object). While this is a major milestone for any child, this is truly amazing for Lyra. Lyra has missed so many other milestones. She still doesn’t use her hands and arms well, and she still does not roll from her back to her stomach (she is close). But, if she holds our hands, she can pull herself up and stand!

This is what I am choosing to focus on today. I feel that many parents of special needs children do this. We fully celebrate the milestones our children reach. Lyra goes home from the hospital tomorrow. While we have been able to get her hydrated and greatly reduced her throwing up, we have not found a solution that stops the puking. We also do not know 100% why she is throwing up so much. The doctors have theories, but there really isn’t a test that can provide us with definitive answers. I am excited to go home, and I am worried that we will just end up right back here. It is a constant rollercoaster.

But today she stood on her own two feet. My little girl is defying the expectations the original geneticist gave us. She is a loving, engaged, active, strong little girl. Her tummy just doesn’t work quite right.

P.S. Her onsie says “Loved”, you just can’t see it.

The Third Night

December 28, 2015 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 1 Comment

I don’t know why, but I always find the third night in the hospital to be one of the hardest. Mark and I trade off nights, so it’s not like I have had three nights in a row. For some reason, I just find myself a little more restless. Yes, Lyra is back in the hospital. We ate breakfast Christmas morning with the family, opened presents, then drove to the ER. It’s not like we knew she needed to go to the hospital when we woke up Christmas morning, but we knew she wasn’t doing great. She hadn’t been doing great for awhile. However, once she was throwing up when we weren’t feeding her at all, we knew we had to go in.

So, here we are again.

At this point, some of the nurses on the floor know us from our last stay. At what point do you get a parking space? We were just here a month ago.

This time it looks like the doctors may try something new. The hard part is, no one really has an answer for us. We have no idea why Lyra stops tolerating her feeds. We have no idea why she won’t eat by mouth. The answer we most commonly get is, “she just needs to get bigger.” But, how can she get bigger if she just keeps throwing up? It doesn’t seem like anyone has a good answer for that. As frustrating as that is, it seems the team we are working with now wants to do more than just get her to “stable enough” and send us home to figure things out for ourselves. We may be changing the type of feeding tube she has (if she is big enough), and they aren’t going to send us home without solid confirmation that she is tolerating her feeds really well. As much as I would love to be home, this is where she needs to be.

And we really did have a wonderful Christmas morning.

Sitting on Aunt Kristi’s Lap before Breakfast

Sleeping on Daddy in the Christmas quilt after getting her IV

How to Survive Your Child’s Hospital Stay

December 2, 2015 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 1 Comment

As many of you know, Lyra was in the hospital again for a few days last week. She had an infection and became dehydrated. Because she is a complex case, it required closer monitoring than an average child. She was home two days later and it doing great. During my stay I ran into a mom in the elevator. I have no idea why she was there. It really doesn’t matter. It’s never a good thing. She was obviously stressed, upset, and worn down. She mentioned that it was the first time her son was in the hospital and I could tell she felt overwhelmed. While I wasn’t able to say much to make that mother feel better, I figured I would pass along what I have learned.

How to Survive Your Child’s Hospital Stay:

Take a deep breath: Panicking will only make the situation harder/scarier for your child. I used to view hospitals as scary horrible places. Going into one nearly gave me a panic attack every time (even though it was never because I was sick). Oh how my views have changed. When my baby is hurt or sick, I now view the hospital as a safe place where we find solutions.
GO HOME!!!!!: This may sound CRAZY to many people, but trust me. If you are going to have a child in the hospital for any length of time, you need to take breaks and GO HOME. When Lyra was in the NICU at Children’s National, nurses used to “yell” at me all the time to go home and get some sleep. I get it now. By going home you are NOT neglecting your child. You are recharging. Since Lyra is older, Mark and I trade nights there. No one really sleeps in the hospital (Lyra included), so this allows us to always have one adult who is fully functional taking care of her. And, if you can’t have someone else stay there, let the nurse know. Night nurses will make sure to keep a special eye on your child if you can’t be there. I know that Lyra has been passed around and held when we couldn’t be there.
Get to know your nurses: Nurses are amazing people and your biggest ally in the hospital. They are your teammates and they care about your child. If your kid has a rough day, they take it home. Trust me, I have been told by nurses. Nurses will help you take care of your child beyond administering meds. For example, Lyra is a terrible sleeper, especially in the hospital. At night, the nurses will frequently rotate with whomever is staying with her. They will rock her and hold her and try to put her back to sleep so we can get a small amount of rest. Now, if you happen to not like your nurse, it is totally okay to request a new one. Not everyone clicks. It’s okay.
Ask questions: No one is going to think you are stupid for not understanding something. Sometimes the medical professionals get so wrapped up in their conversation they forget there is someone in the room who is not familiar with the terms. It is okay to remind them that you need an explanation in normal people terms. Many doctors are happy to explain and even draw pictures. While their picture of often about as legible as their signatures, it’s the effort that counts.
Know where the refreshments are: I am not talking about the cafes and cafeterias. Every wing that I have been in has an area with a fridge, water cooler, and coffee (at the very least). Make sure you are keeping hydrated and for the love of god eat something. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a code go over the speaker system because a parent fainted. If you are on the floor, you can’t take care of your child.
Accept the help that is offered: You would be amazed who comes out of the woodwork. Don’t be too proud to accept food, a change of cloths, or the offer to take your dog until your child is home. I am still humbled by the outpouring of support.
Ask for help: If you need something, ask for it. I have had to ask for food in ERs, asked friends for help with my dog, and a number of other things. People often don’t know what to do or how they can help. You would be surprised at how willing they are to give support.
Speak up: If you think something isn’t right, say something. While they may be the medical professionals, you are the specialist in your child. Especially if they are non verbal, you know when your child is in pain or just not doing well. You know how they normally act and how they communicate things. It’s okay to be “that parent”.

I am sure many of the other parents who read my blog have their own words of advice. Please feel free to add them in the comments section. While I hope no one ever has to have their child in the hospital for any length of time, know that it happens and you can survive it.

There has to be a better way……

November 4, 2015November 4, 2015 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Lyra is almost 6 months old!!!!!! While I am super excited about this, I am also dreading the next 3 weeks. 6 months is a major milestone, especially for doctors. This means that EVERYONE (except Genetics) wants to see her and run additional tests. For most kids, 6 months means a check in with the pediatrician and some shots. For Lyra is means visits with:

Surgery Clinic (with an ultrasound)
Cardiology (with an EKG and an Echocardiogram)
GI
Pediatrician (with shots)
Ophthalmology (no idea what tests they will want to do)
Urology (with an ultrasound)

Oh, and she has OT and PT appointments every week (at least these ones are at home).

Instead of having so many appointments spread over three weeks, there has to be a better way of doing this. At least they could maybe coordinate their requests for tests (I have ultrasounds on two different days). The worst part is, while I find this overwhelming, when she hits 1 year it is only going to be worse. At one year she will have all of these again plus a few more. It’s not that she necessarily has a major issue with all of these systems, but because of her genetic diagnosis she has to monitored by a few people.

There has to be a better way.

At moments like this I wish that they could just check us into the hospital for 24-48 hours and let everyone come to her. We can run all of her tests back to back and then doctors can come to her bedside for examinations and to talk to Mark and I. She would only have to do vitals once (something she hates), we would be able to stick more closely to her feeding schedule, and we would all be able to get more sleep (messing with the nap schedule is always a BAD idea). Also, if we need to add another specialist (as often happens), she is right there! It’s not hard to get another consult when you are already in the hospital. I know that it may not be realistic, but there has to be another way to do this.

Post Nap Smiles

Never Underestimate a Qualitative Analyst

September 23, 2015 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Before I get going, let me just state that Lyra is finally home and doing great. Not to toot my own horn, but it had everything to do with my strategy to feed her and persistence to get GI involved in the hospital. This is directly relevant to my title.

By trade, I am a Qualitative Analyst. Don’t get it confused with a Quantitative Analyst, those are the number crunchers. I deal with words, not just numbers. Now, data analysis is important and often plays a role in qualitative analysis. The difference is, I work with things that can’t be quantified. I take information from various sources and tell a cohesive story. I answer the questions, “So what?”, “Why is this relevant to me?”. I also use that information to propose solutions to complex problems. Many people (including my sister) have been baffled about how to apply this skill set in and out of the work place. So, let me put it in context of caring for Lyra.

Lyra has many people who are on her team. Her care (outside of family) involves an occupational therapist, dietician, gastroenterologist, cardiologist, surgeon, pediatrician, geneticist, and we will be adding physical therapist in the near future. All of these people orbit Lyra and have opinions and insights to her care. However, they do not all communicate directly and the only common denominators are Lyra and myself. I am at EVERY appointment. Part of my job as her mom is to take the information that each of these caregivers, along with my own observations, and present it in a way that makes sense to everyone. My job is to tell the story that is “Lyra” that goes beyond test results and numbers on a paper.

According to test results, Lyra should not have been throwing up while getting NJ feeds. Also, according to test results, she should have been able to handle the volume/hr of formula the surgeons were prescribing. However, Lyra WAS puking and Lyra was NOT tolerating the volume/hr of formula she was being fed. Looking at the problem a few things came to mind:

I know Lyra has trouble adjusting to rapid changes in volume. I have been puked on enough times to have solid evidence of this
Her dietician had mentioned that, with cases like hers, you often can only increase feedings by 1 mL at a time
Genetics has told us that most rules probably won’t apply to her since we have no idea how she will be physically/mentally impacted by her genetic abnormalities
GI had previously told me that we will likely have to go by trial and error with her. If something doesn’t work, we just have to try something new

Using this information (mostly 1&2), I was able to come up with a solution for feeding her and present to the surgical team in a rational way. Was I sure that it would succeed, hell no. In fact, I anticipated it would fail. However, it has been about 6 days, Lyra is HOME, she is tolerating the total volume she needs every day, and she has only thrown up 3 times since we started using my method. What we had been doing wasn’t working, and we needed to try something new. Even the “wait and see” method had been tried and failed. With my professional skill set I was able to take the information from multiple sources, put it in context, and solve a problem. I didn’t spread sheets, or complicated equations. I took words from many sources, told a story that was relevant to audience, and proposed an information based solution. Because of my qualitative analytical skills, my daughter is home.

So what is a Qualitative Analyst? It is someone who using words, not just numbers, to tell a story and come up with solutions. In today’s world of big data, never underestimate the power of a Qualitative Analyst.

A light at the end of the tunnel

September 20, 2015September 20, 2015 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

We finally feel like we can see a light at the end of the tunnel. This has, by far, been our toughest hospital stay emotionally. The surgery went great and Lyra healed really well. The surgeons did what they do very well. The problems came when we started to try to put formula back into her system. At first Lyra was fed through a NJ tube (tube that went through the nose, past her stomach, and past where they performed surgery). By the time we got up to “full feeds”, Lyra was throwing up stomach acid and bile every 5-30 minutes and becoming very dehydrated. The only way to stop it was to stop the NJ feeds. It was awful and didn’t make and sense. There wasn’t anything actually going into her stomach. Mid week we felt like we would never be able to bring her home. The only thing that kept Mark and I sane was our nurses who backed us up and argued with the surgeons about needing to change our approach and get GI involved. At the end of the week they did another test and discovered that everything was moving through her system just fine (meaning no need for additional surgery).

So, I proposed a new approach and surgery let me run with it.

We stopped using the NJ tube all together and moved on to using her G-tube. My thought was, if she was producing so much bile, we should give it a job. The worse that could happen is that she would throw up…. she was already doing plenty of that….Also, I remembered a dietician saying that with babies like her you can only increase feeds 1mL at a time. Before we increased the feeds my 5mls and we saw how well that worked. So, we started at 10mL/hour and increased by 1mL every 2 hours. Sounds crazy, I know. BUT IT WORKED. By 2 am last night we got up to the goal rate of 36 mL/hr (just over an ounce).

We also finally got surgery to call in GI to consult (it took 3-4 days of me pestering them). GI thought we did well and gave us a game plan for getting back to bulous feeds. They also gave us the total number of mL’s she needs per day, so we know if she is getting enough calories. When GI followed up with us this morning, they basically said that we were capable enough to do things from home with the information we have. Plus, it isn’t like we don’t have support. We have a nurse that stops by the house as frequently as once a week, plus an occupational therapist to help with feeding, my dietician is always available via email, and my GI doctor has an office 15 min. away from our home. Oh, and we have done this whole feeding tube thing for the last 3 months.

So now we just need to convince surgery to discharge us. They did an AMAZING job with her surgery (she has healed beautifully and they fixed the problem with her duodenum) We are hoping we get to go home tomorrow, but it might not be until Wednesday. The good news is, Mark and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Our little one is quite the fighter.

Yes, I know this is for breast cancer support, but she is a little fighter

AND

it’s nice to support breast cancer research at the same time

A Love Letter to Nurses

September 16, 2015September 16, 2015 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This is for the 30ish (give or take a few) nurses who have helped take care of Lra up to this point.

Dear Nurses,

I love you and thank you. Now, don’t get me wrong, the doctors are great. But you were the one who rocked my two-day-old for hours in the middle of the night when I couldn’t be there. You are the one who stood vigil by her side after a scary day at another hospital. You were the one who showed me how to change her diaper without making a total mess. You were the people to show my husband and I 10 ways to feed and burp her. You were the ones who hugged me when I melted down by her bedside. You were the ones who made sure I ate and drank…. and sometimes slept. You were the ones who helped me at 2 am clean her off…. and me off….. after she puked for the 20th time that day. You were the one who stood up for me when doctors didn’t believe me. You were the one who allowed to me sleep peacefully when I couldn’t be there. You were the one who fed her patiently when I felt so discouraged. You were the one who made sure I knew how to do CPR and how to feed my baby with a tube. You were the one who listened to me when I knew something wasn’t right. You were the one up all night with her while I slept a few feet away. You were the one to put hearts on her cheeks after she had surgery. You were the one to change her diaper when I couldn’t due to tubes. You were the one who diligently checked her vital signs around the clock. You have done all of this, and a thousand other things I can not name. I have watched you take tender loving care of daughter. For that, I love you.

Love,

Jaime and Mark

Nine Days and Counting

September 15, 2015September 15, 2015 by Jaime S. G. ♥ 1 Comment

I am sure some people wonder how I can go home every other night to sleep (Mark and I trade off), but the reality is we have to. This is a distance race, not a sprint. We have been in here for nine days now and progress is slow. Mark and I need to have nights where we sleep through the night because sleeping at the hospital is brutal. If she isn’t waking us up, nurses coming in to do vitals are. They try their best to be quiet, but we sleep so lightly. The “beds” are far from comfortable and we are always worried about her puking. She pukes a lot. Those nights at home are key for our health.

However, those nights are hard in their own way. Right now we are living in a 450 sq. ft. house. Our main room contains a small couch, the glider we rock Lyra to sleep in, her changing table, her crib, and her swing. Some of her cloths are in our bedroom and her shampoo is in the shower. The thing missing is her, and there is no way to escape it. Most of the time I deal with it okay, but this morning was tough. I just want my baby home. I know she needs to be in the hospital. I know it is the best place for her. And I KNOW we made the right decision for her to have surgery. But frankly, the whole situation just sucks.

I miss laying down and playing on her play mat with her. I miss rocking her to sleep at night. I miss seeing her little face light up with awe whenever we would go outside (she is hooked up to too much for me to take her out here). I miss watching my family play with her. I miss swimming with her, or even just watching her wiggle and squirm in the bath tub. I miss putting her in her jumper and watching her talk to the lion. I miss carrying her around in her moby wrap.

I miss getting her dressed.

Right now she has so many things hooked to her that it is almost impossible to dress her. We have tried a few times and modified a few items of clothing, but she just ends up puking on them within minutes. I can’t even count the number of towels, burp cloths, and blankets we went through yesterday.

This morning was just tough. I just want my baby to come home. She is getting better, but it is painfully slow. Not only does her digestive system have to re-learn how to work, but it has to learn how to work correctly (something it has never done before). Her intestines have figured it out; now we are just waiting for her stomach to get with the program. It’s a long slow process and we are looking at at least another week here. Other days will be easier. At least today she has mostly sleep and have only puked 2-3 times. It is a better day for her, Mama will find tomorrow easier.

Lyra and her new apple hat. Thanks Dawn for making her such a cute hat!

Learning To Thrive

Tag: Children’s Hospital of Colorado